2020 Thoughts
The last time I published an article on my now-retired blog, High Heels & a Briefcase, I had just moved back to Iowa City after leaving Des Moines. I had freshly moved in with Bobby, had just started a new job, and was in the thick of producing my podcast.
It’s been well over a year since I last filled my tiny corner of the internet with a peek inside my mind as told by the keys of my keyboard. I have no plans to maintain any sort of cadence of posts and as I write this I don’t even know what my intention is. Call it a reflection of sorts? A virtual coffee-date, filled with the discussions we haven’t had but might’ve if we’d met for one. I’ll take a lavender oat milk latte if you’re one to inquire for supplemental visuals.
I’ve felt such a shift in who I am as a person over the past 6-months in such a way that honestly, words have not felt sufficient. I feel like an observer to my own self—watching the growth and the courage and the fears and the love evolve like a plant in the ground. It’s slow, and requires much patience (something I very much do not have) and yet the outcome is rather beautiful. I’ve always known that despite my bubbly and energetic exterior, I’m an introvert to the core. Being cooped up at home this year has been a challenge but it’s also been a blessing. I say this with full acknowledgment of my privilege to sit here and reflect on my coping with a global pandemic by calling it “a fabulous period of personal growth” but nevertheless, I’ve had to accept the circumstances of which I’ve been planted and as the saying goes: bloom with grace.
Along with reading and doing puzzles and going on daily walks, I’ve had the time to really sit with the person that I am. I got to know her and understand her in ways that the normal hustle of my 9 to 5 paired with hitting the yoga studio and balancing my social calendar really didn’t allow. I learned some things that my heart is pulling on me to share. So here are some things this year, despite how utterly shitty it’s been, I’ve discovered about myself and ~life~ in general, because you weren’t going to click on a blog post written by me and not find some silly metaphorical advice sprinkled throughout it, right?
My whole life I’ve felt destined for greatness. I know that’s something that everyone says but I truly feel like my entire reason for existing is to change the world. This falls directly in line with my Enneagram (yes, I finally took the test and am now one of those people) and I am a Type 4: the individualist. As the test results state, my whole identity is found in making a difference, creating a change, finding significance. It makes sense when I look at the pattern of which my career has taken—4 jobs in 5 years, never feeling fulfilled, always questioning if I’m in the right spot, dreaming for more. I think if anything, this time to reflect on my wants and my dreams and my passions and my potential has inspired me to take steps towards a larger goal. I used to get really bogged down by the lack of clarity around what that big delicious title at some big fancy company would be or before that, it was the big sexy company that I’d create myself would actually do. Now though, I’m feeling so much more peace around the realization that it’s not really about what I’m doing, and it’s actually about how I feel while doing it. I want to “change the world” is my most frequent prayer, however, I’m not sure I’ll know what that truly means until I’m in the midst of doing the real and powerful work I feel so destined to do. Maybe I’ll find it by working in marketing forever, or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll work in social activism or maybe I’ll go into politics or maybe I’ll fall in love with a coffee shop and change the lives of everyone I greet with a smile and some latte art. What I’m learning is - finding my purpose is important to me and I shouldn’t push it away because it’s difficult to find. Instead, I’m trying to take more actionable steps than just ‘dreaming’ and so I’m chasing the things that bring me fulfillment. Volunteering for organizations that I care about. Getting involved with causes that are important to me. Looking for opportunities where I can grow. It’s amazing how a fire can ignite inside of you when you lean into the whisper of your heart that’s telling you to listen.
I started going to therapy a few months ago and it’s been such a brilliantly wonderful experience that I truly cannot speak higher of. I didn’t go for any other reason than I wanted to create a space in my life to solely focus on me and my feelings and my thoughts with the help of an objective perspective. I’ve certainly had low points in my life, but I’ve never thought of myself to be a person that dealt with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety in the ways that others do. However, one of the things I’m really working on is to not belittle my own pain and acknowledge when I’m feeling low. I’m learning that I do actually battle anxiety on a very regular basis—so much so in fact, that I’ve had to get medicine to regulate my body’s reaction to it! I remember feeling a sense of failure and embarrassment around that at first. Not in a public way; as I’m sure you know if you’re reading this, I’m pretty much an open book. But more so in the deep, personal way that came from feelings only my own thoughts and biases could muster. I’ve had close friends battle anxiety very openly and I’ve always been supportive of their journey dealing with this unwanted acquaintance through life. However, when it was me who was suddenly battling it, I felt less than and ashamed that I couldn’t “handle” the circumstances of my life. I’m learning how to cope with it and my therapy sessions are truly amazing. Sometimes I think I have nothing to talk about and low and behold, I chatter on for 60 minutes without even realizing it. It’s been so wonderful to take time out of my week that is dedicated to me, alone. I cannot recommend it enough to everyone I know and everyone I don’t know. Thank you, quarantine, for finally allowing me the courage and the time to make space for me.
The murder of George Floyd in May and the protests that followed lit a fire inside of me. It was as if the actions and events that I turned my cheek to for the first 25 years of my life all came blasting towards me and the anger, shame, disappointment, and heartbreak pummeled me. I have learned so much about myself and my values and the mark I want to leave on this world through these events and my own shameful awakening. I am so angry. I have so much to learn and so much to change. I am an active participant in this society and the past couple months have forced me to ask myself important and uncomfortable questions such as: Do I actively acknowledge the ways I benefit from my white privilege every single day? Do I go through my days relatively unfazed by the problems people of color deal with, while I often benefit from their very setbacks? Do I accept responsibility for the slight microaggressions I undoubtedly give off to people that are different from me? Am I aware of the ways I actively contribute to racial inequality by stating things like, “I see no color” when in reality we should be embracing everyone’s colors, and value them for who they are? It made me realize that I am part of the problem, and I need to do better. I’m actively seeking opportunities to get involved and continue un-learning the racial biases I’ve grown to adopt. If you have organizations or resources that you think I might enjoy, please share!!! My DMs and inbox are always open.
I am embarrassed to say that throughout quarantine, I’ve discovered the brilliance that is iced coffee and I guess I only have myself to blame for being so late to the party but yeah, this shit is delicious. Nothing else to say about that.
I am grateful for so many things, the list would never stop if I wrote them all out on this page. However, the thing I am most grateful for in this precise moment is the unwavering strength I find in my partnership with Bobby. I am so in love and with every passing day, my love and admiration for him continues to grow. He is supportive of my wild dreams, he is confident in my ability to achieve them (oftentimes, more confident than I am!), he’s the kindest caretaker I could ever imagine, and he challenges me to be better every single day. I pride myself on being an independent woman who can make her own in this world, but I shudder at the thought of where I’d be if he hadn’t been in my corner for the past 6 years. He inspires me to think differently. He pushes me to dream bigger. He loves me unconditionally. I have always loved him dearly, but the past 5 months have brought a new level of intimacy to our relationship. The biggest piece of clarity I’ve found is that I truly adore his presence. He’s a wonderful partner to go through life with, i.e. the reasons I listed above, but he’s also my favorite couch potato companion (very important intel for quarantining for months on end). He’s funny, he’s comforting, and he’s just the right amount of irritating to keep things interesting. I truly couldn’t imagine working at our laptops all day to then making dinner alongside each other to then cuddling up on the couch for a movie in the same 24 hour period for 5 months straight with anyone else in the world. If you asked me to dream up the perfect person, I’d pick him every single time.
I hope this year has been kind to you, despite the circumstances we’ve all been put in. I like to float through life with a ‘silver linings’ perspective, although 2020 has proven to make that difficult at times. I will never forget one of my favorite yoga teachers empowering the class during a hot power sculpt class (pre-covid, of course) with the phrase, “if you’re not struggling, you’re not growing!” I was shaking in Warrior Two pose with sweat running down my face and my trembling arms pulling the 5 lb weights into an upward row position. It was hard! But what stuck with me from that moment was not how I felt while struggling physically, but how I had an epiphany mentally.
Life is hard. There’s going to be beautifully amazing ups and truly devastating downs. It’s through those hard times of pain and uncertainty and utter struggle that our transformation of self can really begin. Maybe we all needed a little mental and spiritual overhaul this year, and so God said, ‘Let there be a pandemic!” But whatever the reason, I hope you’re staying strong and staying healthy. I hope you’re registered to vote. I hope you’re drinking enough water. And I hope you find something to smile about today.
xoxo